Four Things I Learned in Twenty Years

 

                My twentieth birthday is coming up and it hasn't hit me until recently how quick time flies the older I get. I can still remember the slumber party I had for my tenth birthday ten years ago! 

              As life progresses and as I grow older, my appreciation for waking up each morning increases. In a couple of weeks I will be leaving my teens behind and entering the third decade of my life. Lately I have been reflecting on the decade I am now wrapping up and the life events I experienced from the ages of ten through twenty. These years are somewhat the same yet totally different for all adolescents. Besides navigating puberty, every youth faces their own individual battles that interfere with their journey to adulthood. They can be related to academics, relationships, or similar to what I faced, home life.

               I have a brief memory of my fourteen year old self lying on my bedroom floor in tears because my life felt completely hopeless. While the trial I was facing during that time was very tragic for any kid my age to suffer, one thing I learned as a teenager is that hormones can make everything seem far worse than it actually is. That memory is from about six years ago when I believed that my entire life was falling apart. Now my life is completely different and far from perfect, but I'm still here and have not fallen apart like I believed I would. Back then I could not once imagine myself as being where I am right now.

           Time brings wisdom and growth. With my twentieth birthday coming up, I thought I would share four significant lessons I have learned in my first twenty years of life.

          

         "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5)

        1.) You are NOT your mom or dad! 

                        "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14)

                This was a challenging reality I had to come to terms with. Growing up, many children often hear innocant phrases such as "you look just like your mommy!" or "you are going to be strong just like your daddy!" Adults that say this are normally implying that the child shows traits that are biologically similar to their mom or dad rather than emphasizing they are litterally the same person. A girl might have brown eyes and curly hair like her mom. A boy might be passionate for sports like his dad. These are similar characteristics a child and parent might have. The child is not a literal "mini me." They are their own individual person with characteristics inherited biologically or socially.

             I grew up believing I was a literal copy of my mom in some way. This was likely due to the emotionally manipulative words she spoke to me that went beyond phrases related to "you look like me." She gave me the mindset that as her daughter I was an exact copy of her. She took a lot of pleasure in having a little girl she could make a "mini me" out of. While the "mini me" concept is often perceived as a cute and innocent bond between mothers and daughters while the daughter is very little, it can interfere with the little girl's development if the mother isn't aware that her daughter is an entirely different person from her. Even as an older child, my mom placed high expectations in my physical appearance and personality. She would express frustration often using hurtful words when they didn't meet her standards, even if they were out of my control. I had a hard time developing my own identity because she struggled to let me make my own choices. While I later learned that her controlling parenting style was connected to mental problems she had, many of the insecurities I continue to work through today were largely influenced by the way my mother raised me.

            As a little girl I saw my mom as this beautiful and perfect woman, but when I entered my teens, I quickly began to realize that something was just not right with her. My mom showed signs of depression, deep insecurities, eating disorders, excessive mood swings, bipolar and personality disorders, narcacism, and so many other psychological issues that worsened throughout her adulthood. Unfortunally, these issues interfered with her role as my mother.

          While my experiences with being psychologically abused growing up is not the focus of this blog, I will say that God showed me a great deal through this part of my life. My mom viewed her role as my mother as a role of control rather than a role of authority. She believed that as my mother she could make me however she wanted to, which poorly influenced my mental health and self-esteem. Always feeling as if I were under her shadow and often experiencing depression and anxiety growing up placed this great fear inside my head. What if I really am an exact copy of my mom? What if I screw my life up the way she did? What if I become mentally instable like her and hurt the people in my life like she did?

            I think it's valid for anyone to feel this way. A child's parents contribute a significant amount to their development. However, while we have no control over the experiences of our childhoods, we do have full control over how we allow those experiences to affect us long term. This is a mindset I will be working on establishing far past twenty. 

           For any child victim of psychological, physical, or sexual abuse, acknowledging your trauma and emotional wounds and working through them through talking about it to loved ones or to a therapist is your ultimate ticket to a road of recovery. Staying aware of my feelings and reflecting on memories of my mother from the last two decades, even the smallest ones have only enhanced my journey towards emotional recovery. While there are good days and bad days, I am confident to admit that I have grown so much these past couple of years. Everyday I am moving away from the control and manipulation my mom had on me, and am realizing that I am who God made me to be! Our parents are our parents, not us. Our parents' mistakes are their mistakes, not ours. 

        2.) You don't have to have something just because others have it.

                  "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19)

                Between the ages of around nine to thirteen I constantly begged my parents for an iphone. When I look back and consider my reasons for having this desire, I recognize that my ultimate reasons were not so I could have access to the purposes behind a cell phone. It really had a lot to do with the fact that I was at an age where my mind was opened to the unfortunate realities of puberty. While I didn't have a care in the world of what other people thought of me during my early childhood, I learned to deeply care as I entered middle school.

               It is scientifically proven that most adolescents (especially girls) develop a craving for social attention and a sense of belonging. While their parents and families still play an important role in their lives, a lot of the attention and sense of security developing teens once placed in their parents will naturally become replaced in friends and peers in their own age group. This transition is significant to the process of growing up because it prepares kids for developing deep and intimate relationships outside their families as adults. 

                The journey is challenging for all youth, but I found that it was even harder to navigate as a girl with an emotionally abusive and unavailable mother. She contributed to a great deal of anxiety and self-esteem issues that made the social challenges of early puberty extremely difficult. I deeply desired to fit in with the girls at my school, church, and around my neighborhood, and was easily hurt by the girls who showed no desire to be my friend. For the longest time I associated being rejected with not being "good enough."

                So why exactly did I think I would be more popular in school with a cell phone? Because all the other kids had one and I didn't. On the bus rides to school and in the cafeteria I always saw kids constantly glued to their phones, giggling with one another and exchanging texts and Snapchats. In my head, this was how kids my age bonded with each other. Owning a cell phone was my ticket to "fitting in."

                When I finally got my first iphone at thirteen, I quickly realized that having a phone did not change my social status or cause others to view me any differently. I was still the same Emma Beam, only with a cell phone. I learned the harsh reality that a lot of the kids my age were just mean, and nothing I changed about myself would make them friendlier to me. 

            However, God did show me a few things over the years. I finally realized that my peers from middle and high school who always owned the newest updated iphone, had a lot of friends, had a boyfriend or was always chased by boys, was rich, had two parents that were healthy and loved them, and appeared to have everything they could ever want in life couldn't have possibly been truly happy without Christ among those things. 

            In the past decade I learned that I do not have to have something just because "everyone else" has it. If you know God, then you know he will certainly supply you with everything that you need!

      

       3.) True beauty really does come from within.

      "The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever." (1 Peter 1:24-25)

             Like most other teenage girls, one of my biggest struggles throughout the past decade was finding comfort in my outer appearance. Being raised by a mom who didn't nurture my emotional needs properly, and living in a world that tends to pick and choose what is considered to be "beautiful" didn't make it any easier. 

           I was (and still am in many ways often times) trapped into this mindset that in order to be "beautiful" I couldn't have acne and I needed to be skinny. These two insecurities were largely influenced by my mom, who had an eating disorder and struggled with self-esteem herself. While I have always been self-conscious about my weight, in reality I have never actually "struggled" with being overweight. In fact, I was underweight for a good bit of high school due to a fear of gaining weight. People were always telling me how skinny and unhealthy I was beginning to look, but when I looked at myself in the mirror I just couldn't see it. In the mind of someone with a distorted body image, gaining just one pound is a step closer to obesity. 

            When I was underweight, I was struggling with so many more issues in life that working on my bad eating habits was the least of my worries. It took me a while to realize that my obsession with being under 120 pounds was only hurting me physically and mentally. When my relationship with the Lord expanded as I entered college, my eyes were open to many changes that needed to be done to my life. One of them was surrendering my fear of gaining weight and learning to love myself in ways I never did before. A few years ago I developed this determination to not turn out the way my mom did later on in life. Her struggle with Bulimia first started when she was around my age, and it along with many other psychological disorders she developed contributed to her downfall. It hit me later that if I truly wanted to be different from her I needed to do what she didn't do, which was acknowledge that I had problems that needed to be worked through. My struggle with eating was one of the first issues that I needed to give to God.

        Finding true happiness in the Lord and the transition to college food led me into gaining about 15 pounds, but I finally realized that they were fifteen pounds that were needed to be gained. People who knew me when I was underweight told me that my figure looked so much better and healthier. I no longer felt weak, tired, and irritated all the time like I had before. Realizing that attraction and beauty isn't necessarily found in women who are skinny or shaped a certain way was life changing for me because I was raised believing that was true. God has been showing me that not everything that was said to me growing up is the truth.

              Learning to love my body and find contentment in having body weight that's considered normal for a female my height hasn't always been easy, but God has revealed to me in many ways that inner beauty is far more valuable than outer beauty! I think of myself ten years from now when I'm thirty. Even if I'm not overweight, that doesn't stop the other flaws that come with aging. The next couple of decades will bring wrinkles and gray hair. Just as the grass withers and the flower falls, so does life on earth. 

            The beauty that doesn't fade away is the beauty that is inside a person's heart. I realize that when I die, I don't want to be remembered for being physically beautiful as much as I want to be remembered for being someone who is caring, compassionate, and loyal. In the days that follow my twentieth birthday my goal is to care for my physical body as best as I can, but also remember that my inner beauty means so much more in the long run despite how it may appear in society.

        

      4.) Time is valuable.

                  "So if a person lives many years, let him rejoice in them all; but let him remember that the days of darkness will be many. All that comes is vanity." (Ecclesiastes 11:8)

                    As humans we often tend to forget that nothing lasts forever. We are born, live a certain period of time, and then we die. While our souls live forever, our lives on earth are only temporary. The more I experience in life, the more I am realizing this.

                    Before I went to college I looked towards the future with envy. I think this is common in young people because there is just so much about life we don't know, so we find ourselves in this waiting game. I remember having the thoughts that consume the minds of many college-bound Christian girls, which included finding a college, figuring out my career path, and finding my "future husband." Now I am halfway done with college, majoring in psychology, and am a few months into an amazing relationship. In the two-three years between now and when I first started anticipating those things the Lord provided, but I find that I still want more. Now I am anticipating finding grad schools, internships, making money, figuring out what to do with psychology, and all kinds of other things that will require another waiting game. The older I get, the more I realize that I will always be waiting for something.

                I remember having to read a short story for one of my class assignments back in elementary or middle school that I surprisingly never forgot. A young boy anticipated graduating high school. He graduated and went to college, and then his anticipation became starting his career. When he began his career he looked forward to retiring and not having to work. For the next few decades, he worked hard at his job until the day of his retirement finally arrived. However, at that point he was old and in constant pain. Being retired wasn't what his younger self thought it would be. After retiring, he anticipated an eternal life of ease in heaven.

            The story was just a couple of paragraphs that I had to read and answer questions on, but it holds so much value. Like the man in the story, humans easily look towards the future and forget to treasure the life they are living in the present. In these past two years of college I have learned to value the life that God has given me right now, and place the anticipations that I have in his hands. If it is in his will, then grad school will come. Career opportunities will come, and marriage and children will come. But why think about all of these when I have so much life to live in the present? If we are not careful to recognize the beauty of right now, then time will easily slip away. It goes by quick, and God wants us to enjoy every moment of it as we live out his will!