I haven't published a blog in a hot minute, but this is something that has been on my mind lately that I have been longing to share.
Forgiveness is one of the most highly encouraged solutions to conflict in human relationships. God commands us to forgive multiple times in the Bible through his son Jesus, who makes the statement in Matthew 6:14-15: "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yours."
As someone who has had to deal with the realities of having a mother who has severe personality disorders, I have had to learn how to forgive in ways that not many people understand.
I have learned that forgiveness means to:
- Not feeling hatred towards the person
- Allowing the person to have emotional access to your life if they are willing to change
- Being able to move forward with life peacefully
I have also learned that forgiveness DOES NOT mean to:
- Deny how the person made you feel
- Contact or devote time to the person even if they still harm you or cause you to feel emotionally unsafe.
I feel that many people tend to mistake forgiving others as living life like nothing happened. They see it through a black and white lens: either you forgive the person, or you don't. But the truth is that forgiveness is not always that simple, and God has more grace and understanding of our feelings than we often realize. When he says to forgive, he isn't saying that we have to become best friends again with the person. Imagine two friends that have known each other for years and go to each other for everything. Let's say that one friend (Friend 1) starts a nasty rumor about the other (Friend 2). Friend 2 finds out about the rumor and confronts Friend 1. Friend 1 is truly sorry and promises to make everything right. If Friend 1 is able to live up to this promise, then their friendship might eventually be restored because Friend 1 did their part in restoring the relationship. However, let's say that Friend 1 continues to spread rumors about Friend 2 and even starts belittling them to their face. In this scenario, Friend 2 might be better off finding different ways to forgive Friend 1.
I have a history with my mother that consists of psychological and mental abuse that was subtle during my childhood but progressed when I was a teenager. My parents separated when I was almost sixteen, and while I no longer had to live with her I was encouraged (and sometimes forced) to see her "because she was my mother." I was forced to interact with her even though I had hatred in my heart for her. This often led to issues whenever we were together. Even when I became an adult and was no longer required to talk to her legally, I had so much pressure placed on me to not cut my mother out completely. I had been growing stronger in my faith at this point in my life and believed that showing kindness and love to my mother despite her flaws was how I should forgive her, because that is how Christ has forgiven me. I was constantly battling my hurt, trying to have sympathy for my mother and her mental illnesses even though she continued to manipulate, control, and belittle my feelings. Forcing myself in this position only pushed me away from God and from truly forgiving the person who was supposed to love me more than anyone else.
I finally learned a valuable lesson that eventually led me into cutting off all contact with my mother at the start of this year. We are called to forgive like Christ forgave us, but that doesn't mean we can't forgive in different ways. Throughout the gospels we see Jesus demonstrate forgiveness multiple times. He makes it look so easy, but that's because there is a difference between him and us that makes it this way: he has a capacity to forgive that we simply aren't equipped with because we are not perfect! Jesus is able to handle the abuse and not allow it to affect him, while our mental and emotional capacity is not strong enough to withstand this. I learned that fighting against my true feelings and hoping that my mother might change was not effective. Cutting off all contact with my mother has allowed me to heal and learn to see her for who she is: a broken person who only hurt me the way she did because she is mentally ill.
Forgiving my mother from a distance has not been easy, especially since society doesn't perceive mental abuse the way it views physical abuse. Christians that mean well also haven't always been the most supportive because they see my avoidance as refusing to forgive and let go. They don't understand that I am willing to allow my mother back into my life, but only if she expresses a desire to do her part in repairing our broken relationship. Because I am unable to forgive her in the traditional way that is frequently illustrated in the Bible, I have had to ask God for the grace and mercy to forgive her outside of the battlefield.
"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:16)
I am not certain on what the best way to navigate my relationship with my mother is, but I am choosing to trust that no contact with her is God's best for me right now, because we both know that I don't handle interactions with her very well. If you ever find yourself experiencing intense anxiety or an uncomfortable feeling in your gut when interacting with a person who has negatively impacted you in some way, it might be a good idea to assess your relationship and determine how much of this person you can handle and how much you should hand over to the Lord. Ask yourself these questions:
- What did the person do to you? Did you confront them about it?
- Did they apologize?
- Do they continue to do it even though you have told them to stop?
- Do they invalidate your feelings or make you question them?
I want to clarify that while I have no doubt that my mother most likely has a narcissistic personality disorder and other related psychological disorders, that doesn't mean that everyone who causes relationship problems has a disorder! Human nature is flawed with narcissistic traits outside of the disorder, and unfortunately, some people are unwilling to put others before themselves.
A book I have been reading by Lysa Terkeurst titled "Good Boundaries and Goodbye's" has opened my eyes to ways we can forgive in ways that are pleasing to God and respectful to our emotional capacities at the same time. If you are struggling in a relationship, I encourage you to read this book!
“We cannot confuse the good command to love with the bad behavior of enabling dynamics in a relationship that should not be enabled or perpetuated.”
- Lysa Terkeurst
With love,
Emma
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